funny quotes and anecdotes - my favorite humorous travel quotes from those around me

Funny Quotes

"My favorite humorous quotes from those around me. Limit yourself to one or two a day……enjoy."... Jason

"I got mint fumes" Said Kelly while blinking profusely and brushing her teeth.

"So if you're a hypocrite write this down"
Mark Balmer, Minister of Melbourne Calvary Chapel

Norm demanded to know why Dwight didn't close the sale and he said,
"Cause I wuz gone gittin biscuits, like you told me"

"Hey! You have a penny on your crotch"
Exclaims Kelly as she points to Lesley's area.

"You don't know what you want…you wanna know why? Cause I haven't given it to you yet." Jason's boldest pickup line, if you're single, freely use it.

My young son Joshua saw a Police car on the side of the road with lights flashing but no other cars, he said, "Hey Dad, that cop pulled himself over"

"Rolaid?" Jason's favorite one word quote - Mike from Herzing College

"I never leave one thing unhid" Norm explains his business strategy.

Trying to make fun of Dwight I asked him why he didn't have any hair on his chest and he answered, "Grass don't grow on a playground"

Roland explains why older women are better lovers.
"Well…for one…they're grateful"

"All turning lanes are not created equal"
Kelly defending her late move into the turning lane

"He was a nice scientist. He used to tell all the children 'come over to my house and I'll show you my telescope. I've got pictures of Uranus, Mars, the Moon.'" Tom - giving a little biography on a generous NASA scientist friend of his during a meeting.

"Hell, I don't need help doing bad, I can do that by myself…"
Norm to his Manager Lee when things weren't going so well.

"I have a little surprise for you"
Patty said to the NASA gate guard as she reached down between her legs and lifted the brown paper bag of Dilly Bars up and out the window. The guards reeled back in horror and immediately leveled their machine guns at us.

Paul Fleming fired the starting pistol seconds early to begin the 5K race and later apologized via microphone, "sorry about my hairy trigger"

"Dad if it weren't for me you wouldn't have a Fathers Day"
My daughter Sarah - age 6 at the time

"They have been a hysterically black organization ...correct?"
BJ in New Orleans

"Do you work out your chest? Cause your stomach sticks out but your chest sinks in." My lovely wife Kelly questions me about my workout routine with encouraging words.

"I want the man on the poster to have a higher IQ than the rat on the poster" Gary - when asked about soliciting Justin Timberlake to co-op with NASA on a poster outreach project.

"This is not an ODIN machine, no, no, no, it is one of them bastard machines I'm telling you." Brian - on phone attempting to get computer support from someone other than ODIN.

"Who holds the chicken?" Hope - from Tucson concerning the Dynamac softball mascot.

"I'm not tight any more" Leslie - concerning her Dynamac budget.

When asked if he liked chicken my son Ben replied…
"The kind that walks around or the kind you eat?"

"I don't know if any of you read…" Began Neal from Dynamac

"This should be a great trade show…Oh God here comes a bus load of children." Said Julie the first day of a NASA outreach event.

My son Benjamin saw an unmarked Police car with a portable flashing light system thrown up on the roof and said - "Dad see that car…that's an undercop"

"I was shaking like a dog shitting pumpkin seeds"
Norm's story of when he fell off his boat in the cold water.

"Your opinions, ideas, or perceived experiences do not change the truth."
Jason answers a blabbermouth

"I want them so big I can't see the rest of her"
Answered Bobbie Covell when a female office mate asked what size boobs he thought were best for his wife.

"That's a good gig if you can get it." Said Roland concerning Barbara who came and went as she pleased but never got flak from Norm, our boss.

Jason's favorite poem of all time
What have I ever craved more than a woman's arms?
To be up half the night, talking, laughing, making love.
Have I ever been closer to heaven?
The bed becomes your church; you pass the collection plate
back and forth until you've given too much.
Then your poverty becomes your gift. Your tears; her tears…
I mean when it's right who can tell laughing from crying?
- by Sy Syfransky

"His family still don't know I live with a black man cause…well…they're from Jacksonville."
Julie on why she can't tell her boyfriends family who she lives with.

Canadian tourist in a San Francisco Speedo shop asked the black cashier…
"Where might your men's swimming costumes be?"
The cashier rolls his eyes and points.

"I know what I am saying is what I mean." Kelly

The first time my son Ben saw a spotted horse he exclaimed -
"Look it's a cow horse"

"I hate orphans." Patty Currier discussing printed page layout.

"An empty barrel makes the most noise"
My thoughts on people who talk too much.

"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society." Think about it

"The richest man is the one satisfied with the least."
My philosophy on greed, and the pursuit of wealth.

"Why is it I do all the sweating but you do all the glistening?"
Inquired Jason of Patty, his boss at the time.

The neighbor's car rolled down their driveway and smacked my 70-year-old grandma Whitaker's car. They begged her not to call the insurance company. They said they would pay the $50 everyone agreed would fix the car out of pocket. They never did. I asked grandma what she was going to do about it and she replied…
"It was worth $50 to see what kind of people they are."

"She's gonna throw some roe"
Jason - when I saw an incredibly pregnant woman on the street.

"You've got the hair of Farley"
Dwight exclaimed upon seeing a disheveled Roland (fresh from a ceiling repair).

"Daddy, Sarah kicked me in the brain."
Cried my son Benjamin, age 4 at the time, while wrestling with his older sister.

"I'm no Tom Selleck" Jason's understatement of the year.

"I'm like your damn step pa"
Said Norm to Lee (who he hired to manage his company).

After watching a two hour explicitly detailed documentary on Siamese twins my son Ben prayed…"Dear God, thank you for not giving me two bodies."

"That dog won't hunt." Norm about a plan gone awry.

"Ain't no pot so crooked you can't find a lid to fit…."
Historical quote fitting my relatives and their spouses.

"We just need a two way conversation to get this done, can you please pick up." Brian's last and final message after days of playing phone tag.

"…and these butterflies, being mammals, are especially important…"
Bonnie - to crowd in New Orleans.

This lady was trying to guess my age at the Christmas party and she stalled a little, so Kelly helped her out - "oh, I'll give you a hint, he's younger than he looks" as she finished her second glass of wine.

"How do you people eat this stuff" asked Kelly as she held up the cactus fruit she was buying to the Mexican woman at the Mexican grocery store in Las Vegas. We were the only whites out of 200 or so people.

"They have a lot of weird crap out here" - Ben says about animals at Lake Powell

"Hey man you have a great figure, keep up the work man, yea man" said the skinny, breathless, Latino to my tank top clad son Josh after running to catch up to us in Vegas.

"My advice, don't go jogging alone at night if you're 4' 2", this is Mountain Lion country" - Zion Tram driver

"This is the shortest hike of all our trails. It's perfect for those who don't want to do anything but want to say they did something" - says Zion Tram driver as most all the tourists exited the bus.

"What time is it? Hello?" - Ben

"I think I saw a skank" - Kelly squeals her description of the lizard she saw.

"Everyone don't feel like I do...I've noticed." - June Odom

"Kelly look at that camouflage tent" - Jason
"Where?" - Kelly

Ben was not real interested in being on this camping trip and he made sure with much evidence that we knew that. On our third day out camping we stopped at a new campsite. He crawled out of the van and turned to face me immediately as if to say "I just want to get back in". I said "Ben find a nice padded flat spot to put your tent up". His head swiveled around and he looked just behind him, 4 feet from the van and said, "Found it", without ever moving his feet.

"you guys are Pahrumped in" - Mark on how down we looked one day.

"you must call ahead if you require picking up larger objects than normal, like a dead horse or dog" - verbage on our new trash pickup service in Pahrump

Old guy walks in the Subway I am sitting in and says he wants a double meat footlong, then when girls asks what kind of cheese he wants he says "I can't have cheese I have heart problems, but I do want extra mayo".

"I better get more of these (she's holding an avocado) because I heard there was a big freeze in California and all the Guacomole trees are dead" - said the lady if front of Kelly at the small local hic discount grocery store.

"Oh Kelly, your Lasagna's damn good" said our friend Krishnasri who just moved here from India after sampling some of Kelly's cooking at a party.

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